FATHER'S DAY DO OVER

I want to celebrate you dear husband, for the incredible Father that you are. But Fathers day without my dad with us, has left my heart so scarred. I'm trying so hard to shake this hurt, this pain so deep so real. Mixed feelings of joy and hurt inside but pain is all I feel. Before today my thoughts were clear, I knew what I wanted to do, a day planned out by the kids and I all surrounded celebrating you. Your thoughtfulness and patience, your presence at every game, your ability to treat your son and daughter as if their one in the same. Your amazing love for fishing, and coaching on the field, Your ability to make a plate look like a gourmet meal. I had it all planned out, my thoughts so real so true, but when I woke up in this day crying was all I could do. I need a Father's day to grieve without a question or why, I need a day to dehydrate my eyes until I have no more tears to cry. I need a day to remember my dad,and all the Fathers days that pasted. I need to remember that special first love that I thought would always last. I need to simply cry and not have to pretend, I need to do this every year until it naturally ends. One year It will be a moment, and not an entire day, one year I will cry and laugh and know I am okay. After that I might be good because I let that emotion be.I tried to suck it up, keep in deep inside of me. But since that didnt work, I give it permission to just be. Be real, be true and be free outside of me