ABSENT FROM THE BODY AND PRESENT WITH THE LORD

September 18th, 2013 (6 years ago today) at about 5:30 am I received a call that woke me up out of my sleep. The person on the phone asked to speak to Tockqua. I was first very shocked that she said my name correctly, then I remember thinking of course she did, I hear that Jamaican accent, no way would she butcher my African name. It’s funny how this could be going through my mind within a matter of seconds before I said, “this is Tockqua”. She goes on to say that they noticed sometime in the night or early morning that Mr. Montgomery had stopped breathing in his sleep. At this very moment I had no worry, no fear because I knew without a shadow of a doubt that they resuscitated him, and he was fine. I was sure she was only telling me in order to keep me updated on what was going on with my dad. So, in my head I said to myself, okay what hospital is he in? I will need to grab his bible and take it up there to pray with him and read a few scriptures with him like we always did. ******PLEASE HOLD WHILE A TAKE A MINUTE….. THAT LAST SENTENCE JUST BROKE ME DOWN******

Okay… where was I? Oh yes… we would always sing, read the bible and talk about the goodness of the Lord when I went to the hospital to see him. Well this time it was different, the lady on the phone said to me we tried everything we could, but he has expired. My dad has been through some things, recovering heroin addict, family abandonment, loss of his wife and the loss of his kids to the system. His heart has stopped a couple times over the years, and he had a brain surgery for an aneurism. HE SURVIVED IT ALL!!

So of course, I expected nothing less this time around. When I heard the world expired, it just didn’t register in my head as a word that I understood. I searched my head of the definition in several languages and could not understand what the word expired meant. The lady on the phone continued to talk but at this point I really couldn’t understand anything she was saying. To me she sounded very similar to that of Charlie Browns teacher…. Lol.

I was so caught up in trying to find the definition to expired. I remember thinking about the context in which she used the word, and how her voice sounded as she used it. I figured I could gain understanding that way. But that didn’t work either. The lady had this very matter of fact type of tone... You know what I mean? Like she could have been sipping a cup of pumpkin spice coffee with a bagel and cream cheese. You know?

I felt like she was just trying get that list of things to do done! No sympathy

She was no help at all. This word silenced me for all of a couple minutes or so, then I remember screaming as if someone had died!! Well someone had died. My daddy! He had expired! Instantly I began to miss him.

It's crazy because I have never in my life looked at that word expired as meaning “over” till this day. I HATE THAT WORD NOW! I don’t even use meter parking because if it is expired when I get back to my car, I will surely scream all over again! (Okay not really) LOL. But you get my point.

I have lived 6 years without the man that I was born to love, grew to hate, and respect simultaneously. Then one day we became friends. I understood him and all that he had gone through, and all the fighting he had done for the sake of us... his kids. I loved the person and not just the title he carried.

As these years have passed, I have grown to create a new relationship with my dad, a very spiritual one. I feel like I am surrounded by his love, his guidance and his overall presence. I don’t cry as much today as I did before, but I do.

I have learned to laugh (as you can see through this post) about things and I hold those moments close to my heart as cherished memories. I pray always that I never forget them, and I always share them with my kids.

My father’s death made me really look at life and how precious it is. How quick it can be over, and how important it is to not only tell those that you love that you love them but help them feel those words.

I am so proud that I was able to tell my dad how much I loved him, how I forgave him for his short comings with us as we grew up, how I respected him as a person and not just as my dad. I was able to hug him many times and say I love you countless times.

Today I write not about the things I wish I would have done or wish I would have said, I write about all things I am glad I did do and say before he passed away! If you are dealing with a loss in your life, let me share with you that it does get easier, but not without work. You MUST let yourself grieve as it comes. Holding it in does nothing positive for you mentally or physically. At the end of every moment of pain, I thought about a moment of love with my dad. That made me feel so much better. I think about things he said HE loved about me and I try to maintain that part of me, because that too made me very happy.

I think about his lessons to me and I share those with my kids, that helps me to keep his spirit living on. And I talk to him through my prayers and meditation. This has helped me during this time of loss. I hope it helps you too. RIP POPS! TODAY I DON’T MOURN THE LOSS OF YOUR BODY HERE ON EARTH WITH ME, I CELEBRATE THE 6 YEARS YOU HAVE ENJOYED BEING PRESENT WITH THE LORD! 2 Corinthians 5:8

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